Just like many other people, I enjoy collecting things that I consider being of huge valor. In fact, since when I was a teenager I enjoyed collecting Steven Wright jokes, and keeping them all into a special showcase inside my mind, where occasionally I like to pick them up and realize that they never cease to amaze me.
Collecting Steven Wright jokes is something that I would recommend to everybody, since all the jokes that you’re about to read aren’t just jokes to me, they are deep aphorisms that often play with the concepts of space and time, they’re actual little surrealist masterpieces that show how much of a genius, artist and master in the one-liners comedy Steven Wright really is.
Steven isn’t in fact a simple joke writer, neither he’s a character: the things he says are a true reflection of his personality, as he showed during the interviews in the Late Night Shows, especially during the “Late Late Show” with the always funny Craig Ferguson.
It’s important to know that the written versions of these jokes will not have the same comic impact that they would have if they were told by Steven Wright himself, since they’ll lack his original funny deadpan delivery (luckily I managed to find some YouTube videos of him performing few of these jokes, so I added them under the spoiler tags in the list).
Trust me, you’ll have the amazing feeling of going deeper and deeper into the amazing surrealist world of Steven’s mind as you progressively approach the joke number 1.
100 – When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy: “Do you have any toy train schedules?”
99 – Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
98 – My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
97 – I have all the erases of all the miniature golf pencils in the world.
96 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
95 – If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
94 – Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
93 – When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said: “Well, what do you need?”
92 – When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said: “No, I made a few mistakes”.
91 – About a year ago, my girlfriend was on the pill, wearing the diaphragm, and IUD all at once. Recently, she had a baby; baby was born wearing armor.
90 – I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
89 – It’s hard to me to buy clothes because i’m not my size. I take the extra medium.
88 – [During an interview with Conan O’ Brien]
I have several hobbies, I like to guess what time it is. Ask me what time it is.
Conan: What time it is?
Steven: I don’t know, i’m not from here.
87 – Right now I’m having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
86 – I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
85 – What’s another word for Thesaurus?
84 – There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
83 – I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
82 – I have an existentialist map. It has “you are here” written all over it.
81 – When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.
80 – One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said: “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”.
79 – George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge you can’t hear him talk.
78 – [In response to the question “What is your opinion on the economic crisis we are facing?” During an interview with Craig Ferguson]
They should just make money worth more.
77 – A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don’t have to go. You’ll just be walking down the street, and… “Oh, that’s much better!”
76 – I bought a cordless extension cord.
75 – You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
74 – Anyone can do a painting of a sculpture, you try doing a sculpture of a painting.
73 – [To a movie theatre attendant]
I’d like a small Coke in a large cup and just fill it up the rest of the way.
72 – Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
71 – I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
70 – I like to read music while listening to books on tape.
69 – Whenever I think about the past, it brings back so many memories.
68 – I believe that God thinks he is God. And his thoughts is so powerful that it has influenced many people.
67 – Once at the hardware store I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of an house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.
66 – [During an interview with Craig Ferguson]
This is like watching the show but I have a really good sit.
65 – I talk to myself a lot and it bothers people because I use a megaphone.
64 – I look smaller in pictures.
63 – I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can’t tell. Except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.
62 – You know when you put a stick in the water, it looks like it is bent, but it really isn’t? That’s why I don’t take baths.
61 – I went to the Metropolitan Museum in New York, I went there to name the unnamed paintings: “Woman on horse”, “Boy with bucket”, “Kitten on fire”.
60 – I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
59 – Tinsel is really snakes’ mirrors. Every time I go walk in the woods, I take some tinsel with me, just in case I come upon a snake, even snakes are afraid of snakes. Snakes have no arms that’s why they don’t wear vests.
58 – My father has an half twin and a siamese stepchild.
57 – I’m gonna get a tattoo over my whole body of me but taller.
56 – It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that i’d never even thought about killing myself.
55 – I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
54 – I’m kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
53 – On the walls of my house i have paintings of the rooms above, so i never have to go upstairs.
52 – I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn’t know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, “You know, this is the first time I’ve gone skiing in ten years.” I said, “Why did you take such a long time off?” He said: “I was in prison, want to know why?” I said, “Not really. Well, you better tell me why.” He said, “I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel”. I said, “I remember you”.
51 – I was adopted by my biological parents.
50 – Yesterday I bought a decaffeinated coffee table. You can’t even tell by looking at it.
49 – I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.”
48 – I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch.
47 – If you didn’t know me, would you think I was a stranger?
46 – My girlfriend went camping, and I don’t know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on her brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
45 – I was arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep.
44 – I was driving down the street and passed a gast station, there were two signs on the window: “Help wanted” and “Self-service”. So I went in and hired myself. I made myself the boss. I took all the money and left.
43 – I remember turning from 1 years old to 2 years old, i was really upset because i figured that in one year my age doubled.
42 – My favorite chair is a wicker chair. It’s my favorite chair because I stole it. I was at a party, a crowded party. When no one was looking, I went over to it and unraveled it. I stuck it through the keyhole in the door. The girl that was in it was almost killed.
41 – I’m walking down the street and I see stapled to a telephone pole a poster. It said, “Reward. Lost $50.00. If found, just keep it”.
40 – I have a map of the United States that it’s in actual size. It says 1 mile equals 1 mile. People ask me where do I live, i say, “E5”.
39 – She wrote me this beautiful letter. I read it and at the bottom I crafted her name off and wrote my own name and I sent it back to her. I never heard of her ever again, so apparently she didn’t like what she wrote.
38 – Sometimes I speak to myself fluently in languages i’m unfamiliar with, just to screw with my subconscious.
37 – My grandfather was completely insane. Everyday he made us stay in a little room tighter side by side looking straight ahead for three minutes without talking to each other. He told me it was elevator practice.
36 – I got a papercut while writing my suicide note. That’s a start. I cutted on the table of contents, it’s 265 pages long. I kept going off on tangents, never getting around on why I was gonna kill myself, asking questions like “Is there space between the wall and the paint?”.
35 – Once I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
34 – I get off the plane and I forgot to undo my seat belts and i’m pulling the plane through the terminal, and the wings are knocking people over.
33 – I got up one morning, couldn’t find my socks, so I called Information. She said, “Hello, Information.” I said, “I can’t find my socks.” She said, “They’re behind the couch.” And they were.
32 – I didn’t have a toy train, I had a toy subway. You looked at the floor, you didn’t see anything, just once in a while you heard this rumbling noise go by.
31 – I called the wrong number today. I said “Hello, is Joey there?” A woman answered and she said “yes he is.” And I said “can I speak to him please?” She said “no, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.” I said “alright, I’ll wait”.
30 – Every so often, I like to stick my head out of the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
29 – A friend of mine is in jail for counterfeit pennies. It’s a minimum security they have him on a wiffleball and chain. You know how they caught him? He had the head and the tail on the wrong side.
28 – when I was 9 I went to therapy because I realized that I was about to turn 10 and most people die when they are in double digits.
27 – When I was little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
26 – I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
25 – My nephew has HD ADD, high-definition attention deficit disorder. He can barely pay attention but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
24 – You know in the movies when someone reads a letter and hears the voice of the person who wrote it? That happens to me when I read menus.
23 – Every day I like to put a little bit of time aside and just forget about it. So at the end of the year I have a few days to myself.
22 – I was once walking through the forest alone and a tree felt right in front of me, and I didn’t hear it.
21 – If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parenthesis.
20 – I bought an irregular phone, it has no five on it. I was walking down the street, I bumped into a good friend of mine and he said, “How come you never call me anymore?” I said, “I can’t call just anyone i know, my phone has no five”, he said, “Thats’s really weird, how long have you had it?” And I said, “I don’t know. My calendar has no seven”.
19 – I took a lie detector test. No i didn’t.
18 – I have to be asleep by 1 am every night, otherwise my dreams start whether I’m sleeping or not.
17 – Sometimes I wish my first word was “quote”, so that on my death bed, my last words could be “end quote”.
16 – I’m a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future, but only way off to the side.
15 – I went to the stereo store and bought a blank tape. Came home I putted it in my stereo, turned up full blast. Few minutes later there’s a knock on the door, it was a neighbor complaining. He is a mime. So I used the silencer.
14 – When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.
13 – I used to paint very realisticly, but then i thought, “Why should I do that, the things are already there”. So now I paint extremely abstract: No brush, no paint, no canvas. I just think about it. It’s just like I’m walking down te street and in my mind there’s a show going on, there’s a gallery and there’s people drinking wine, eating cheese and saying, “I like the one over there, Fred”, and I’m like: “Thank you very much!”
12 – I was having a seance trying to reach my grandfather for five hours, but I remembered he wasn’t dead. So I called him on the phone, he said, “The phone has been ringing the whole day, I don’t understand”.
11 – Few years ago I went to the video store to rent a movie although I couldn’t remember the title of the movie I wanted so i’m describing the movie to the guy: “It’s that movie where the country loses the war because they accidentally made the submarines out of styrofoam and they won’t go underwater”. The guy was blankly looking at me. As I’m saying this I realize this is not a movie I saw, this is a dream I had.
I’m thinking, “My God I’m trying to rent one of my own dreams”, which would be pretty cool actually. And the guy says to me, “It’s not a movie you saw, that’s a dream you had”, and I said, “how did you know?” And he said, “Because you were here last week trying to rent the same thing”, and I said: “Alright, let me know when you get it in”.
10 – My grandfather was on the first submarine ever, rather than the periscope they had the kaleidoscope: “My God we’re surrounded!”
9 – I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, “Steven, go to sleep”. I said, “But I don’t know how.” She said, “just go down to the end of tired and hang a left”. So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity i hung a right. My mother was there, and she said “I thought I told you to go to sleep.”
8 – I’m writing a short story. It’s a story of a photographer who goes completely insane trying to get a close-up photograph of the horizon.
7 – Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
6 – I was wondering how my life would have been different if I’d been born one day earlier, and I thought maybe it wouldn’t be different at all, except that I’d have asked that question yesterday.
5 – I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world.
4 – Came home late one night, I had the remote control thing for the TV rather than the garage door opener. I was out in front of my house clicking away. The house kept changing. I finally got it back to the original house, I just left the car outside. Then, I went in. I was watching TV, with the garage door opener. I pushed the button, and then the screen went up. There were little rakes and lawn mowers inside.
3 – I woke up the other day and everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I couldn’t believe it. I called my friend in and said, “look at this tuff, it’s all an exact replica, what do you think?”. He said, “do I know you?”.
2 – When I was in the middle of Texas a UFO landed and three one inches long guys came out. They walked over to me and I said, “Are you really one inch tall?” They said, “No, we are really very far away”.
1 – Two babies were born in a hospital on the same date. They were in the same room, just lying there looking at each other. Each family came in and took there baby away. The babies lived their entire lives. Eighty-five years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they end up in the same hospital, in the same room, lying on their death beds, just lying there looking at each other. One of them said to the other, “So, what did you think?”.